Back to the 90’s-Chapter 1.
1995
Lin Wenjun groggily opened her eyes and found herself lying in a simple room. Beneath her was an old-fashioned bamboo mat used decades ago, and she was covered with a large red towel blanket.
As she looked at the floral pattern, it became more and more familiar. Wasn’t this the one she bought the year she got married?
After several decades and multiple relocations, she had long discarded it.
Suddenly, Lin Wenjun recalled that just before closing her eyes, she was lying on the operating table.
The doctor performed a minor gallbladder surgery on her. Her son was studying in another city, while her two daughters stayed by her side in the hospital room. Her husband briefly visited, took a quick glance, and left, claiming to be busy.
What could be so important to keep him busy?
This wasn’t the first time. Lin Wenjun had experienced numerous minor surgeries due to her early years of hard work and neglecting self-care.
Every time she underwent surgery, her children were the ones by her side. Her husband would glance at her, then turn and leave, citing some urgent matter. What could be more important than spending a little time with her? It seemed he was just unwilling to invest any time in her well-being.
She sat on the hospital bed, waiting for the caregiver to come and push it. Unable to contain her thoughts, she sighed to her daughter, “In this lifetime, I really don’t know what kind of person I married.”
Lin Wenjun stayed in a VIP ward equipped with a bed, sofa, television, and refrigerator. The facilities were considered good, but the weariness and aging on her face were beyond disguise.
Her second daughter, Jiang Yuan, consoled her, saying, “Dad has always been like this.”
Her eldest daughter, Jiang Ning, accompanied her with a computer by her side. When Lin Wenjun went into surgery, Jiang Ning had to continue working. She told her sister, “Dad wasn’t like this when we were kids.”
Because of this statement, Lin Wenjun kept reflecting on the past, even as she lay in the operating room.
Yes, her husband used to be different. She couldn’t pinpoint when the change happened.
When he first had a bit of money, he would take her and their daughters shopping for clothes. He used to buy her bags and cosmetics, and they always had a lot to talk about.
But when did it all change? When did they run out of things to say to each other?
As her eyes opened, Lin Wenjun found herself back in 1995.
The room was stifling, resembling a steamer. The electric fan creaked as it turned. Her eldest daughter was sleeping beside her, sound asleep with a face covered in sweat.
In this inexplicable manner, Lin Wenjun had returned to the year 1995 when she was almost thirty-two years old.
At this time, they were still living in a rented house, with one room divided by a large wardrobe, creating a makeshift separation between the bedroom and the dining area.
In the bedroom, there was a large bed and a small bed. The television and a chest of drawers were placed side by side in the dining area. The stove for cooking was set up in the hallway outside, and the entire room could be seen in one glance.
Having lived in a large villa for over a decade, Lin Wenjun was suddenly back in a one-bedroom apartment where she started. The whole situation left her bewildered.
Jiang Ning woke up, sat up, rubbed her eyes, and with a round, chubby face still showing sleep marks, she snuggled up to Lin Wenjun’s arm, her voice blurry, “Mom, I want ice cream.”
Could this be a dream?
Lin Wenjun agreed and stood up, hesitating as she opened the drawer of the chest of drawers. As expected, her wallet was inside. Holding coins and bills, she wasn’t sure how much money to give her daughter.
Jiang Ning reached over, took a few coins from the wallet, and asked, “Mom, do you want some too?”
As Lin Wenjun grew older, she found that consuming cold things caused tooth sensitivity. It had been many years since she enjoyed ice-cold watermelon or ice cream in the summer.
“Eat! Mom will have an ice cream brick,” she said, feeling that the later ice cream lacked the fullness of milk flavor.
Jiang Ning took two more coins, slipped on her sandals, and ran outside. Lin Wenjun, rubbing her belly, walked over to the wardrobe.
In the mirror, she saw herself wearing a cotton nightgown she had made, her hair casually tied up. Her pregnant belly hadn’t swollen much, but she already appeared somewhat disheveled.
She reminisced about her younger self, which wasn’t too long ago, just a few years back. In her early twenties, Lin Wenjun was a standout in the factory – the first girl in the cotton spinning mill to wear a one-piece dress and small high-heeled shoes.
She handed over her entire salary to Lin’s mother, but she saved all the night shift fees for herself. With that money, she bought clothes and cosmetics, dressing herself up beautifully. It was during this time that she met Jiang Ye. In the early days of their romance, he would ride his bicycle to the factory gate every day to pick her up.
At the age of twenty-three, they got married. At twenty-four, she gave birth to their eldest daughter. At thirty, she followed her husband, Jiang Ye, to Haicheng to seek opportunities, becoming a Hai piao. [ “hǎi piāo” (海飄) as a term doesn’t have a direct English translation. It’s often used figuratively to describe someone who leads a wandering or drifting lifestyle]
Lin Wenjun quit her job and became a homemaker. She no longer cared much about her appearance, only bothering to style her hair and buy clothes when she returned home for the Chinese New Year.
Wanting to return home in fine clothes, wanting to show off to relatives, she lived a good life.
Therefore, most of her beautiful clothes were winter outfits.
Jiang Ning ran back home with the ice cream, and as soon as she opened the door, she saw her mom had changed into a skirt. Her hair was neatly combed and clipped up with hairpins.
At thirty-two, Lin Wenjun still had a head of luscious black hair. Simply changing clothes and combing her hair gave her a radiant aura.
Her daughter Jiang Ning widened her eyes, not having seen her mom dress up like this in a long time.
Lin Wenjun smiled, “How about Mom dresses like this at home from now on, okay?”
Jiang Ning had just turned eight, and she certainly remembered how beautiful her mom used to be.
In the summer, her mom loved wearing white shoes with light green and goose-yellow dresses. If it was a long dress, she would even wear a belt around her waist. Other moms didn’t look as stylish and beautiful as her mom.
But later on, her mom stopped dressing up.
“Looks great!” Jiang Ning was particularly happy. She handed the ice cream brick to Lin Wenjun, and mother and daughter shared three-color cups and the ice cream brick. Jiang Ning used a small spoon to scoop a bite and fed it to Lin Wenjun.
Lin Wenjun couldn’t remember the last time she had such an intimate moment with her daughter.
When her son was born, the eldest daughter was sent to a boarding school, and the close moments between mother and daughter from their childhood slipped away and never returned.
By the time Lin Wenjun snapped back to reality, her eldest daughter had long flown the nest.
Jiang Ning was unwilling to marry and refused to have children.
Lin Wenjun wanted to persuade her daughter to get married, to have a child. “Are you really not getting married? Not having children? Who will take care of you when you get old?” she asked.
Every time she brought up this topic, her daughter was unwilling to elaborate, only stating that she was busy with her career and it wasn’t the right time.
Until one day, Jiang Ning could no longer bear it and finally told her the truth: “Mom, I simply don’t know how to handle intimate relationships. The thought of getting married and having children terrifies me.”
It was a harsh reality. She had sent her daughter away too early, pushed her out prematurely. Perhaps her daughter had once reached out for maternal love, but Lin Wenjun’s focus had always been on her son.
Since then, her daughter no longer shared her joys, sorrows, or any emotions with her.
Jiang Ning hadn’t seen any positive aspects of marriage in her mother’s life.
Lin Wenjun finished the spoonful of ice cream in one bite. The ice cream had the rich milk flavor, a taste ingrained in her memory. However, her tongue felt bitter, her throat choked. She smiled at her daughter and said, “It tastes really good.”
After finishing the ice cream, Lin Wenjun, accompanied by her daughter, stepped out, tracing the path of old memories. They were off to buy groceries and have a meal.
As she truly walked out of the doorway, she realized just how deep her memories of the past were.
The weather was scorching hot, and there wasn’t even air conditioning at home. Stir-frying in the hallway, with no ventilation, made the air both stuffy and irritating. The thought of dealing with a greasy wok made Lin Wenjun feel nauseous.
They had hired a live-in maid, who took care of all three meals. Since Lin Wenjun’s health deteriorated, she hadn’t cooked for herself for several years.
Suddenly, she thought about the times when she used to take her daughter out for soup dumplings. Holding her daughter’s hand, she said, “How about we buy some pre-cooked dishes today?”
Lin Wenjun was always frugal. Despite Jiang Ye having a bit of money now, she became even more thrifty than before. After a few challenging years after marriage, frugality had become a habit.
Jiang Ning nodded repeatedly, thrilled. Today, her mom was both beautiful and generous!
Lin Wenjun took her daughter to the streets, and by the time they walked from the rented house to the deli, they were both covered in sweat. They bought several ready-made dishes and strolled through the mall.
[deli: a store where ready-to-eat food products are sold]
The cold air escaping from inside the mall made Jiang Ning’s little face show a look of delight.
Lin Wenjun pinched her daughter’s hand. “Come on, let’s go shopping.”
Summer was truly unbearable. Her husband often returned home very late at night, so Lin Wenjun would take her daughter out for a walk, exploring the mall and enjoying the air conditioning.
But today, they were there to shop.
Lin Wenjun had never been diligent about skincare. In the past two years, when she followed her husband to construction sites, her skin, once delicate and fair, had darkened from exposure to wind and sun, and it never returned to its original complexion.
Later, when she attended her son’s parent-teacher conference, some mothers and classmates’ mothers mistook her for her son’s grandmother.
Despite being two years younger than her husband, Lin Wenjun looked ten years older.
It was a complete set of cosmetics that her daughter, Jiang Ning, had bought for her—various creams and lotions, costing several thousand yuan for the whole set. Yet, she always hesitated to use them.
Her daughter would ask, “Mom, Dad has money now. Why are you so reluctant to buy and use them?”
Yes, they had money, but she was always reluctant. She wanted to save it for later use. However, the prime of life passed in the blink of an eye.
But today, she was determined to buy!
Nowadays, there is a rich variety of cosmetics available. This department store is located in the residential area, and the most expensive brand it carries is Yuxi. For higher-end brands, one would have to go to Nanjing Road.
Lin Wenjun’s dress was still fashionable, and as soon as she stood in front of the counter, a salesperson approached to attract business.
After looking at the prices, she said, “Give me a set of Yuxi.”
In 1995, the average consumption level per person was not low, but it was still uncommon for someone like Lin Wenjun to buy a whole set of cosmetics in one go.
The salesperson didn’t look down on Lin Wenjun for speaking Mandarin; instead, her face lit up with a smile.
“We have this excellent essence that works wonders. After using one bottle, it guarantees to make you look five years younger.”
Lin Wenjun just smiled, “What are the color options for lipsticks?”
The salesperson quickly opened the glass cabinet and took out a few lipsticks, unscrewing the caps for Lin Wenjun to try.
The range of lipstick shades was still limited at that time, with only a few colors to choose from.
Lin Wenjun tried each color on the back of her hand, and her daughter had given her a few to try, one of which was called… bean paste color, claiming it suited her skin tone.
So Lin Wenjun asked, “Do you have bean paste color?”
The salesperson thought for a moment, “Bean paste color? Is it like a dark rose red?” She took one out, unscrewed it, and applied it on Lin Wenjun’s lips. “The term bean paste color sounds quite stylish and unique.”
With her lips slightly pursed, Lin Wenjun indeed looked better with this color than the bright red one. Her complexion appeared more lively. “Wrap them all up for me,” she said.
Jiang Ning leaned on the counter, continuously observing her mom. She felt that her mom was different today from usual, but today’s mom looked even better and more spirited.
A set of cosmetics plus a lipstick and a powder box amounted to four hundred yuan. Thirty-two-year-old Lin Wenjun hesitated in the past, but now she didn’t. She took out her wallet to pay and pinched her daughter’s cheek. “Come on, let’s go buy some toys.”
Jiang Ning’s big eyes sparkled. She quickly ran to the toy counter and stared at the doll gift boxes on the shelf, something she had always wanted.
But one doll gift box cost one hundred and sixty yuan.
After looking for a while, she shook her head at Lin Wenjun, “I don’t want it.”
“Why not? Don’t you really like it?” Japanese dolls were something young Jiang Ning couldn’t have, and when she grew up and earned money, this kind of doll was already out of production. Jiang Ning had even paid a high price to acquire one.
“It’s too expensive.” Jiang Ning pulled her mom aside and whispered that her mom had already bought a lot of things today.
Lin Wenjun glanced at the counter and pointed to the largest doll gift box, “I’ll take that one.”
Jiang Ning caressed the doll’s shoes and clothes through the plastic film. This doll in the gift box had four pairs of high heels! There were even several purses! It was like a princess.
Jiang Ning held onto the doll gift box and wouldn’t let go. When they crossed the street, she pulled Lin Wenjun to take the route past the school gate.
It was already summer vacation, so they wouldn’t run into any classmates.
But she insisted on taking that route. Today, Jiang Ning felt like she could talk to her mom about anything, “It would be great if I ran into Sun Yingying. I won’t let her play with My doll.”
“Why is that?” Lin Wenjun completely forgot about her daughter’s classmate, as Jiang Ning had only attended school in this neighborhood until the end of this year.
“She doesn’t play with me.” Jiang Ning’s little face showed a stubborn expression. “She said I’m from out of town, so she won’t play with me.”
